I Alone and Wasted Energy

I wrote this blog pretty wasted last night. I woke up next to a garbage bag (unused), so I know the threat of vomiting was legit. Enjoy.

I normally watch TV then pass out, but my cat knocked my remote of my bed, and broke it, and I am not manually changing channels so here I am:

I was so bombed earlier and the song “I Alone” came on by the band LIVE. It reminded me of the time I was in Coyote Ugly and I ran into a bunch of traveling groupies for LIVE. They were middle-aged, defeated, and lets face it, pretty fucking pathetic if you’re going to follow a really mediocre band around and use it to navigate your social pipeline. It made me feel better about myself. I mean, I have done some low stuff, but I’ve never been a groupie. The idea of a groupie kind of fascinates me though. LIVE was these people's identity, which is much easier than developing a personality, but I think probably less rewarding.

People have been asking me, “Sam, you must get a lot of groupies with your comedy.” I respond, “You must be confusing comedy with every other entertainment form ever.” Then we share a laugh and I die a little inside.

Now I’m typing this to “Lightning Crahes” by LIVE because I can feel it, ya’ know? You ever just write to make the hiccupping and pre-vomiting stop? Well than we have something in common (it’s not working by the way so I’m gonna’ stop soon). I should get back to the point of why I’m writing this, and why I sound particularly cynical.

I had a bad set tonight. Sometimes my jokes just don’t hit. Sometimes midway through a set I feel like I’m just not for everyone. You know when you're talking to someone and you hit it off over something weird like, "Wow, you also think Play it Again, Sam is the most underrated of Woody Allen's films?" And it feels good. Bombing is kind of the exact opposite. You just don't relate to the audience. You ever have a conversation with someone horrendous, and you’re like, “this sucks, I’m walking away.” I can’t do that on stage. I have to just stand there, and either keep telling jokes, or address that the people don’t like me, question their taste, and keep going. I had a really good set on Thursday and it was a good week, but sometimes the end of the week unfortunately defines my mood (that or the hangover I'll probably have tomorrow).

The only thing that really bothered me after the bomb was a group of people that insulted me on my way out that they were offended by my tag about a homeless couple I made up in which I said, “I hope that guy doesn’t hit her…because that’s not domestic violence if you don’t have a home. That’s a street fight.” I like that fictional characters in a made up joke offended them; Apparently, my imagination has more power than I thought. I also don’t get people who go to comedy shows ready to be offended by jokes. Sometimes, there’s a person in the crowd that acts shocked to hear a joke…”Comedy? We weren’t under the impression that there would be humor here….I want a refund...Oh it's a free show? We'll just sit here unpleasantly.”

I understand if that domestic violence line was true, it might offend people. But it’s not, it’s a joke. Look up a joke before you come to a comedy show, check out the structure. It’s not like a general statement. It’s facetious, you silly dickface (joking, see?). So from now on either laugh or don’t, but don’t waste energy getting offended by me and bitching to me. Waste it by getting offended and complaining to a major newspaper b/c I would love the publicity.

Thanks for reading,
Sam